Wedding Anniversaries, not mine.

The occasion of my children's wedding anniversaries always makes me want to send them the perfect greeting.

I want to send them the perfect card.
I want to send them the perfect thoughts and sentiments.
I want to celebrate and remember their love and adoration for each other on each of their wedding dates.
I want to give them a perfect gift.

Thus far there is March 3, July 31, August 14 and August 28 in anniversaries from our family. There was a 9 year and then there are two 6 years and also an 11 year celebration.

Perhaps, upon closer examination, the reasons for my desires being so strong within me to commemorate their happy times well, lie partially in the fact that my own marriage did not survive the long haul. Perhaps I can say something or impress some words of wisdom from my own personal experiences to diminish the pitfalls that are strewn along the path of marriage like sinkholes that follow rainstorms and out of nowhere swallow up the earth around them.

Perhaps their joys are so delightful and fresh that I can borrow some of that happiness and tuck it under my pillow at night and dream happy dreams rather than some of the sad ones that invade my unconscious mind.

I found a picture (no surprise there!) that depicts what I want to say this year.

Do you see the little house at the end of that pier?
[ Let's say that is the marriage home. ]

This pier is in Ocean City, New Jersey and we saw this every single year for several decades as we took our family on our annual vacation trek. The 59th street pier became more and more battered and increasingly decayed. The locals had an ongoing discussion of the need to repair and stabilize this pier. Some thought the monies would be worthwhile spent here, others argued that the city should just let it fall down and wash away, using the money for tourist attractions or sand replenishment projects.

In the meantime, the ocean kept bashing it, waves crashing underneath,  the storms insidiously worked their magic at the under pilings and the house became less fortified. It slowly became less able to handle the stresses and less attractive to onlookers. Certainly the original purpose, giving fishermen a place to protect themselves from the stormy weather, was no longer a possibility. This structure could house nothing well, unless it was a seagull wanting to rest for a weary moment.

I took pictures of this pier every single year. Strange , isn't it? I know if I had the time to search through the thousands of photos in my home I could locate the deterioration of the house on the pier. It would never be obvious from one year to the next. Our family would chatter about who remembered what phase the process was in, whether there was or was not a certain board in place , side on straight.

But alas, eventually there was no argument. Last summer when I went for a day trip to Ocean City, no longer part of the happy, carefree family vacationing unit, I discovered the sad truth of time and neglect.
The house is completely gone. I still miss seeing it there, stately and sure, a haven for a weary fisherman, a place where I got my bearings as I surveyed the coastline.

What about marriage then?

A marriage must be maintained. There are so many different kinds of storms that will bombard it. There are waves that will crash and try to knock the pilings down. There will be Hurricanes, Blizzards! Tornadoes! Monsoons! in your families!

One can easily be lulled into thinking all days are like the hot , lazy , mild mannered days of summer. Nothing but calm seas ahead, gentle waves lapping against the piers. In my 60 years of living in this world,however, I have never seen a marriage where the seas were calm every day, every year.

There will be a death, an illness, a hospitalization, an angry child, no children,  too many children, a sick child, a nasty neighbor, a stupid co-worker, an annoying friend, a church that reminds you of a childhood struggle, a nagging parent, no parent, no money, too much money, words you cannot recall, words you should have spoken, hugs you should have given, humility you should have shown. These are inevitable.

I just went to the dictionary to check out something-what is inevitable? Unavoidable, sure to happen, bound to occur, inescapable,commonplace, typical. Wow.
(That describes the list , not the marriage!!)

Had the city of Ocean City, NJ decided to  put a priority on maintaining the little 59th street Pier and house, the problem would have been solved. The entire attitude would have been different. No spring would pass without rebuilding winter damage, no storm would flail without shoring underneath the structure, not a board would drop into the sea without someone pounding in a replacement. Damage would have been repaired as it was done, not just pondered for years or argued about purposelessly.

Your marriages can be strong and vital and secure from those inevitable storms of life!
Your house can be standing firmly for decade upon decade so that your children's children(who do appear rather quickly!) can weather their storms within your marital structure!

Maintenance, my dear children. Maintenance.