They are so little and fun and filled with vim and vinegar. (Now that is a saying from way back when! and what is vim?)The hours I am with them are consumed with action, physical action at it's best. We run and walk and jump. We build trains and fill buckets with dirt and mud and water. We splash in the water, or alternatively, we dump it out so we can refill it again! Often we pause to sit and giggle at our favorite TV shows, like Baby Einsteins or Handy Mandy who casually speaks with his tools in both English and Spanish and they in like manner answer him back! We watch Baby Bear, who as it turns out and admitted by mom, teaches us good manners.
Ah yes, playing with grandchildren is an exercise in love and joy and peace.We have fun.
The 8 Northern babies are here often, Ethan every Sunday, the rest sporadically strewn throughout the days as unpredictably as my garden seeds strewn about my flower garden this year. A little here, a little there. Flowering nicely , albeit with little purpose or organization.
The dilemma that I find myself facing , when the grands are with their own families and in their own environment and activities is this: How do I activate my own personal life in such a way so that I am available at the drop of a hat, a phone call of need , a snap of the finger of parental whim, while at the same time I am not EXPECTING to be visited or included in these same parent schedules? I found that difficult to phrase properly, and even more difficult to live out well.
The complexities that enter into this life dynamic are so many and so intertwined that to sort them could easily unravel an entire infrastructure of misunderstandings with a single pull!
Yesterday, for instance, is an example of what is happening in my world. I wanted to babysit for a day and an overnight my twin grandchildren. In my mind it was a worthy request and would serve the purpose of allowing for parental breaks as well as grandmotherly love purposeful and planned, rather than spontaneously attached to a shopping trip or a park adventure. [Oh, and we had one of those this week, which is just another story waiting to be told.]
Why did it end up feeling like a kidnapping with stress attached and serious misunderstandings of motives unraveling around me? I had planned things well, it seemed so noble and simple, and I love these children more than I have ever loved anyone since my own eight popped into my world?? Why indeed? now there is the problem of which I speak.
Here is the answer, and hear it well. Because the priorities of young parents is to grow their families their own way, and I already had my turn.
I began this thought process saying that I use my grandchildren as an excuse. I heard myself say and think that a few sentences back. For someone with no memory, I am pretty good at remembering the annoying things.
I also mentioned activating my own life, separate from the lives of my kids and grand kids, while at the same time being available to them should they need or want me.
I have found myself waiting to be the perfect Grammy while forgetting that I already am the person God wants me to be. I already have been called to fulfill a commission given me by God , while at the same time occasionally serving as Grammy besides!
How often do I connect with another grandmother-type friend only to be told that 'perhaps' we can get together, or go on this or that adventure....but first 'let me check if the kids need me to babysit' or 'maybe I will need to be available to the grand kids.' This just reinforces my thinking that my first priority should be to my grand kids, rather than to myself or for my intended purpose.
I think, after much reflection and even more prayer, that the secret to my own safe personal flight from my very empty nest is this: Love the Lord my God first, being who HE wants me to be. Love myself next- for isn't the greatest commandment to first love the LORD your God and second to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF?? Realizing finally that my best and closest neighbors are my children and grandchildren, I reserve and express my remaining love for them as well!
Grandchildren excuses have now become motivation! I am being motivated to love them best by loving myself more! God loves me best and HE is love, so I will try to follow His example and love well.
I have always loved the verses found in Isaiah 40, especially verse 31: but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.
I am beginning to soar.
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