On Friendships

Thoughts are filling my head of late on the value of a variety of significant friendships in a person's life. That may seem like an obvious statement , but my experience tells me that few people open themselves up to lots of friends. Most especially I am observing an even fewer who have friends in different sizes, shapes and colors !

When I was in my early 20's, quite a lifetime ago, I was thrilled to have girlfriends who had similar lifestyles- in those days we didn't have 'play dates' as they call them now, but we'd occasionally meet at a park or go to the same church or invite each other over for a cup of coffee while the kids played together. My needs were met by those select few, and we rarely disagreed or discussed anything controversial or world changing!

Then I entered my 30's and started accumulating more friends along the way, Judy was one of them, and she remains to this day. As a matter of fact, I will be meeting her in Lancaster today for an outing of brunch- we always end up eating together , always!- and shopping. We also always end up shopping for something extremely urgent, usually her catching up on a gift for one of My grand kids or daughters, whom she considers her own.


Our family lifestyle included several moves in the ensuing years, unless someone thinks 25 moves in 6 states and 2 countries isn't a factor that should be considered? It caused much need for flexibility in the friendship world of Sue, and so I became an avid writer of Christmas cards and datebook keeper extraordinaire! I sent birthday cards, anniversary cards, welcome to your new baby cards, any occasion was worthy of my attention and celebration whether I lived next door or a state away.

My need to communicate was fueled by my passion for my friends in former cities and places, my love for them, my desire to never let go of a former friend by replacing them with a newer model! These friends were my lifeline to normal and stable, breadcrumbs dropped along the path of life, so that if needed I could follow them back to safety and security. They became proof of my existence, even while the paths I followed seemed to be further and further from my original identity.I would tuck them into my knapsack and every once in awhile take them out and count them, reminding myself that indeed I was important. These thoughts particularly plentiful in the early months of each move, right before new friendships were forged.

My husband, of course, was the constant here in my changing world. He and I together adopted three sons and birthed five children from 1973 to 1988.He was my best friend, the one who didn't need to be placed in the datebook, for we were a united front and an unstoppable team. In 1988, our son Andy came along and he seemed the perfect son with which to finish our child rearing days. We then continued along life's path, moving even one more time, while our daughter Margie was headed to college, our daughter Becca remained miles away in Ohio, and our son Paul was preparing to graduate from the Air Force Academy in Colorado.

As I am writing and remembering these facts, my heart is breaking inside with the realization that what appeared to be a good choice, was, in fact,highly difficult for both children and parents. Friendships were stretched as we left my best friend in Ohio, Cindy, along with many dear friends grown for almost ten years, and then came to start new friendships in a new church, new state and new neighborhood. It did not even enter my head that my children's friendships would probably not survive the move, for I was too saddened and weary from my own losses.


My friendships were serious to me, a central theme in my full life of raising children and pastoring a church family with my husband. It was one of the elements that defined us, these friendships that spanned miles and miles of life and highways.
I wanted to love as well as I felt God loved me, trying to emulate His caring and constancy as best I could. It was the same energy that allowed me to raise seven children and be a foster mom to a few more, a drive from within given to me by the Master Planner of my universe, God Himself. Joy! Love! Fun times! These characterized our lives, for friendships and family were not burdensome but a gift.

Some friendships fared better than others, but my theory remained: if I keep these people in my circle, then my life will be richer and less selfish and secure. One friendship in particular was from our college days, the seemingly never ending couple to couple type that all married people enjoy! We reminisced whenever we got together, took vacations together, and raised kids in different styles. We were certainly a friendship that would never die, we had longevity and God on our side!



In the days when my husband first announced his decision to leave the marriage and family, I remember calling them on the phone and crying simply " David says he is leaving." They lived in South Jersey, almost 2 hours away from our Delaware home. In 2 hours and 10 minutes they drove into our driveway and enfolded us both in their arms, and stayed by my side throughout the following pain filled months as he faded away. Bill had thought of David as his very best friend , Annette was as close to him as a friend could be. What happened?

Life continues on, and friendships once considered vital to survival, sometimes have waned. During the transition of my life, from married with children to single with none, I have sorted and unpacked many pieces of baggage. Some of the baggage turned out to be friendships that meant nothing more than an annual Christmas Card. I knew that had to change when one year I decided NOT to send cards and many, many people never corresponded. It was my own personal litmus test of love, whether right or wrong. The next year my card list went from 175 former 'friends' to under 75.

Another friendship choice for me personally was not to increase my load. It was too painful, too hard to create a friendship with people who never had met my husband or even could possibly understand my previous existence. I was fine, thank you very much, with the remaining friends of former days. They had proven themselves faithful, had they not? How many could we have as aging caused even more changes in our lives, grandchildren began arriving in wonderful numbers(can I say here I have been granted 11 by God so far??) and time was of the essence??

Ah yes,I had it all figured out and my life is once again motoring along the path.Thanks God for giving me old friends because new ones take work and are a risk.

What I had not figured on was the love of God Himself shown me through some girlfriends who have never met nor even heard of David Ribeiro. What? Friends with women who are going to care about me, pray for and with me and love me with no husband attached, nobody who will be the 'better half' in the deal? How is that even possible when I have no energy to give, no datebook spaces left and no desire to make friends?



God is amazing me daily. He will not let go of my heart, my life, He will not stop leading me on a path that has curves and twists and turns and He does not need me to lay down any breadcrumbs.

I am astounded at His insistence in loving me as I am, broken and worn. I am going to need to stop telling Him what I can and cannot accomplish , and continue leaning on His strength for these friendships and the ones peeking at me from around the next corner.