Saturday, February 19, 2011
So Simon...can you paint me a Mural?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Another Boring Blog. Be warned.
The reason my blog is named what it is comes from days like today. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my mind and no way to get it settled. So I sit down at the computer with my cold cup of coffee and begin pecking away (2 fingers darting across the keys) and Scribble.
One of my main struggles today is about authenticity and the way it affects how we think. Maybe authenticity isn't the right word, maybe honesty, transparency, self revelation, willingness to reveal , opportunity? , trust, courage, or energy could be inserted in the last sentence. This concept is not new or even original, it just keeps preventing me from feeling comfortable around people when it is lacking. Not only that, but when it is not present, this elusive authenticity, my ability to feel normal and whole falls by the wayside and inadequacy and weakness pops into it's place.
I can hear the retaliatory quips already being prepared, without thinking some are murmuring, " I simply do not choose to tell everyone my business, I prefer privacy" as if privacy is the antithesis of authenticity. It is not.
I think of myself as a private person, for instance. Not all of my acquaintances know how heavy my heart is throughout the different anniversary dates of my life experiences.
But my friends all know that when February 1st rolls by there is an aching that begins from within and slowly and gradually penetrates to my brain, until February 2 arrives. My baby son Daniel died on February 1 so many years ago, most of my recent friends are not even aware of his existence, and yet, to a mother who has lost a child to death , the length of 27 years is but a blink on that death anniversary. Danny was only 9 months old, I can not even imagine how the others who loved longer are surviving so well. Do they hurt? Remember? Cringe while waiting for the day to pass by? I know the grace of God carries me through, so I try to share this as I am able. But guess who helps me the most on these days? The ones who have told me their dates, their agonies, their lousy experiences of pain and heart aches.
I usually don't even know many in this category, because I have not been told. So then I feel weird, like what is wrong with ME? and should I be 'over it?' and on and on we go. That is what I mean by replacing my already pained heart with feelings of weakness and discouragement toward myself, rather than understanding that this is my annual exercise. My normal response and coping mechanism to death . I have the same feeling on May 3, by the way, the date my daddy died of a massive heart attack while golfing and while celebrating the birth of first grandson Eliot. I use these times in life to remind myself of God's faithfulness, His great love for me in giving me 3 more children, and His deep love for me in giving me 11 grandchildren thus far(I refuse to not want more!).
In church today I was struck especially by this feeling of frustration. Imagine that, me not feeling authenticity in church? Surrounded by my Community of believers? Recipients of God's grace and children of God gathering to worship, in order and sincerity or as Scripture says , "in spirit and in truth".
So many hugs, and smiles, we all gathered to commemorate the Lord's Supper at the Communion Table, and remind ourselves of God's great and loving sacrifice for His children- Jesus Christ dying to take the wrath of God in my stead. The perfect Messiah dying so I, the imperfect daughter, a sinner, would not. I am free. Amazing grace.
Why did I leave that gathering not knowing a single thing my dear friends are struggling with? This is not accusatory, though it might be interpreted as thus. It is reflective. It is agonizing and painful to think such things!
The sun is bright and shining, I am rejoicing that God gave us sunshine and health and to me personally a big, confusing, chaotic family. But that is the surface. Under the surface is a mother agonizing over decisions to be made regarding her future and the lives of her children. In the shadows waiting to pop out and scare me are the fears of inadequacy and wrong decisions and not being liked for who I am. Who I am is being brought back into question because that is what it does in the head of a single mother.
But alas, (isn't that the BEST word?!?) I remain silent. Scribbling on my blog, feeling better strangely, since I have authentically shared that this Daughter of the King still needs Him every minute of every day. He is sufficient, even when the church is not. He is graceful and authentic even when others are not. I love my Church, I love my friends, I love my family ...but most of all, I love my Jesus.
Geesh. In my authentic way , I didn't have time to blog about this woman who I thought was so weird and outspoken and blunt when I first met her and who now gives me many reasons to smile and feel blessed when I see her . Oh well, another day, I need some hot coffee.
One of my main struggles today is about authenticity and the way it affects how we think. Maybe authenticity isn't the right word, maybe honesty, transparency, self revelation, willingness to reveal , opportunity? , trust, courage, or energy could be inserted in the last sentence. This concept is not new or even original, it just keeps preventing me from feeling comfortable around people when it is lacking. Not only that, but when it is not present, this elusive authenticity, my ability to feel normal and whole falls by the wayside and inadequacy and weakness pops into it's place.
I can hear the retaliatory quips already being prepared, without thinking some are murmuring, " I simply do not choose to tell everyone my business, I prefer privacy" as if privacy is the antithesis of authenticity. It is not.
I think of myself as a private person, for instance. Not all of my acquaintances know how heavy my heart is throughout the different anniversary dates of my life experiences.
But my friends all know that when February 1st rolls by there is an aching that begins from within and slowly and gradually penetrates to my brain, until February 2 arrives. My baby son Daniel died on February 1 so many years ago, most of my recent friends are not even aware of his existence, and yet, to a mother who has lost a child to death , the length of 27 years is but a blink on that death anniversary. Danny was only 9 months old, I can not even imagine how the others who loved longer are surviving so well. Do they hurt? Remember? Cringe while waiting for the day to pass by? I know the grace of God carries me through, so I try to share this as I am able. But guess who helps me the most on these days? The ones who have told me their dates, their agonies, their lousy experiences of pain and heart aches.
I usually don't even know many in this category, because I have not been told. So then I feel weird, like what is wrong with ME? and should I be 'over it?' and on and on we go. That is what I mean by replacing my already pained heart with feelings of weakness and discouragement toward myself, rather than understanding that this is my annual exercise. My normal response and coping mechanism to death . I have the same feeling on May 3, by the way, the date my daddy died of a massive heart attack while golfing and while celebrating the birth of first grandson Eliot. I use these times in life to remind myself of God's faithfulness, His great love for me in giving me 3 more children, and His deep love for me in giving me 11 grandchildren thus far(I refuse to not want more!).
In church today I was struck especially by this feeling of frustration. Imagine that, me not feeling authenticity in church? Surrounded by my Community of believers? Recipients of God's grace and children of God gathering to worship, in order and sincerity or as Scripture says , "in spirit and in truth".
So many hugs, and smiles, we all gathered to commemorate the Lord's Supper at the Communion Table, and remind ourselves of God's great and loving sacrifice for His children- Jesus Christ dying to take the wrath of God in my stead. The perfect Messiah dying so I, the imperfect daughter, a sinner, would not. I am free. Amazing grace.
Why did I leave that gathering not knowing a single thing my dear friends are struggling with? This is not accusatory, though it might be interpreted as thus. It is reflective. It is agonizing and painful to think such things!
The sun is bright and shining, I am rejoicing that God gave us sunshine and health and to me personally a big, confusing, chaotic family. But that is the surface. Under the surface is a mother agonizing over decisions to be made regarding her future and the lives of her children. In the shadows waiting to pop out and scare me are the fears of inadequacy and wrong decisions and not being liked for who I am. Who I am is being brought back into question because that is what it does in the head of a single mother.
But alas, (isn't that the BEST word?!?) I remain silent. Scribbling on my blog, feeling better strangely, since I have authentically shared that this Daughter of the King still needs Him every minute of every day. He is sufficient, even when the church is not. He is graceful and authentic even when others are not. I love my Church, I love my friends, I love my family ...but most of all, I love my Jesus.
Geesh. In my authentic way , I didn't have time to blog about this woman who I thought was so weird and outspoken and blunt when I first met her and who now gives me many reasons to smile and feel blessed when I see her . Oh well, another day, I need some hot coffee.
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