Today is my 40th wedding anniversary!

I am so thankful that God has given me this very remarkable anniversary and I am able to celebrate the joy of my marriage, rather than it's ending. It has taken 10 very difficult and painful years for me to see clearly the lessons I needed to learn, and I hope I am not finished learning! I am pretty sure that I am going to learn more lessons, but for today, I am thanking God for faithfully walking with me over the last ten years.

There are a few Bible verses that jumped off the pages of God's Word to encourage me in the beginning of this ....adventure? They are in Isaiah 43:
      Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by your name; 
You are Mine.
      When you pass through the waters, I'll be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you, For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel , your Savior.

I seriously read those words and thought to myself,'well, good time to test this one out!'.


Ten years ago I really felt pretty sure that life was over. My husband of 30 years decided he had made a mistake marrying me and somehow chose that reason as an opportunity to leave. I really mean leave, as in disappear. We had, at the time, two 16 year olds, a 13 year old and I was a homemaker by trade. One daughter was leaving for another country to study abroad, one had just purchased her first home a mile away, and another daughter was newly married. Our oldest son had just barely returned from his honeymoon. The timing of this impending life crisis was, shall I say, problematic, or at least felt similar to a flood, earthquake and tornado hitting-at the same time.

Fast forward to today, because the next ten years have been like riding on a roller coaster, and I hate roller coasters.

Life is not predictable, first lesson. I thought if you followed a certain formula, then certain results happened.

Second lesson: Since God is God, and I know His ways are best and He loves me (those two truths, along with several others are nestled nicely in between Genesis and Revelation), this has all been part of His plan for my good and for His Glory. Yes, I know, I believe that too!  :-)

The third lesson seriously came to me at 2:00 am this morning, and I have a sleep deprived headache to prove it. Ready for it?

The future I am living out now, today, on my 40th wedding anniversary, is better than what could or would have been, had my life followed the course it was on ten years ago. In other words, my imaginary present is a lie! It is not possible to have been 'happily married to my husband today at year 40' because God's ways are BEST, not second rate, not thwarted or mistaken.

Do you understand the relief this is to me? God is God! He is still in charge! He walked with me through those fires and floods and thorny paths and He and I are still fine! I can do ALL things through Christ Who gives me daily strength! It is not just a verse to read on Sunday mornings, it is Truth, and I am living, breathing proof.

I might need to clarify something here, lest anyone mistake me for Pollyanna.[ who apparently is not that popular with people :-) ]

I still miss my husband, I love him, I married for life so am lonely for his companionship, and I cry from time to time over the tragedies that have come from his leaving us.

What I will not do, however, is grieve for what might have been any longer. I will celebrate my wedding anniversary, because I loved my marriage and life and husband well! There is still an anniversary~
May 29, 2011 ~because there was a marriage and I had a wedding day.

Oh, and by the way,  I'm buying myself a present, a really nice camera so I can take really good pictures of those eleven really beautiful grandchildren God blessed me with. Jesus loves me, this I KNOW.

I hate Mother's Day

There, I've said it and I am not going to apologize. I hate Mother's Day!

Every year when 'it' arrives I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The Month of May. It has happened for so many years that it colors the beginning of May completely into somber tones of gray instead of the shades of bright yellow I want to see. Dread and a slow draining of my energy levels is surreptitiously swallowing up sunshine and happy.

First, my disclaimer:
I love my mother.
I love being a mother.

 The issue is not motherhood, it is Mother's Day USA.

 I am not the original owner of this particular area of thought. I have heard it among my peers and even my future son-in-law! It continues to hold power over our entire emotional beings for the first weekend of May every single year. it goes something like this~

What card shall I buy? One that is funny or serious or sentimental?? Will she like it, will it arrive on time, will my sisters get her a nicer one? Hey, maybe my younger brother will produce a gift this year, then what does it make ME look like and I'm the oldest? Should I go to the Dollar Store or get the most expensive Hallmark variety? Does she turn the card over and look at the price? Why don't I just put $5 in a letter and write her a note?

Shall I send a gift? What am I going to send that she could possibly need, want, use or enjoy? What will a random gift have to do with how I feel or think or what I want to express? For crying out loud, she is getting rid of everything and she  needs even less!!

What do I want to express? She knows I love her, or why wouldn't I since she is my mother!  I hate being forced into expressing my warmth and fuzzy feelings just because some random person somewhere decided that Mother's Day would be a great idea to celebrate. Maybe I am in the middle of one of those mother/daughter moments. Who hasn't had them? These moments are really, really annoying to have in the beginning of May because then guilt piles itself as neatly as a folded stack of laundry does on top of the mess my mind is already in.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.

How about this: I AM a mother of 7 ! Am I waiting to be 'celebrated' by some/any/one of these precious seven OR am I emphasizing and celebrating my own mom?

Oh, but wait, 3 of my daughters are MOTHERS!! Will they celebrate ME {naturally my vote will lean toward this option} or, the other mother or their own joyful, exhausted motherhood status?? How will that poor, poor husband make his life less than absolutely a nightmare? Will he insult and hurt his wife and live with those repercussions for a really, really long time if he doesn't put wife/mom on a pedestal for a day?     OR , better yet,
will he hurt his mother who is already in the role of Mother-In-Law    
( already being shown disrespect and aggravation by women using the initials MIL to try and shorten the significance...) and leave her sad for a month of Sundays?
Oh , this is another good place to be, how about HIS  MIL??? Think about that one.

Are you feeling my pain here?
Is anyone agreeing that we should eliminate this stinking holiday completely??

Well, hold on , there's more.

Motherhood is a gift from God. It is not a right, it is not deserved. it is not mandatory for beauty, grace or goodness. It is a gift. Why do we think on one day a year, these gift receivers should be set apart and honored as if they are the only ones who ever receive gifts? If, in fact, the mothers of the world have done their jobs well, and let's assume they at least ...tried.... then , shouldn't they already KNOW they are loved? Shouldn't they already be receiving periodic affirmation and hugs from time to time??

But alas, the non-mothers, those wonderful and successful and sometimes even single women who have not been gifted in such a way, might not they be the ones we should honor?? They might need a hug from a child, a random act of kindness, a gift of love for no reason other than the need to express a big thanks for being you.

One more thing.

I am at the age where many of my women friends have lost their mothers already. Many will be losing their mothers in the days and months and years ahead. Many have lost children ~some their only child. Some of my gal pals have lost grandchildren and sisters who were mothers and have neighbors who are alone.

I know I cannot save the world from pain, but really, seriously, I hate Mother's Day.

I love my mom.

Thank you God for blessing and gifting me with children, who are multiplying and making me more and more blessed, and I do NOT deserve a special day for that.

amen .
I am done.