So Simon...can you paint me a Mural?

 "On this wall Grammy?"

 Grammy explained a 'signature autograph' and here we have it :-) !

 First you need to sketch it out....

 Then you need a tree, and animals, and sky.....

 Lightning might strike the tree, knocking the branch down!

 Well the first idea was draw all the cousins' favorite animals, but about 3 into 11 he got a bit weary and suggested a few animals with the rest of the names scattered about.

Thank you Si. I love you.

Another Boring Blog. Be warned.

The reason my blog is named what it is comes from days like today. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my mind and no way to get it settled. So I sit down at the computer with my cold cup of coffee and begin pecking away (2 fingers darting across the keys) and Scribble.

One of my main struggles today is about authenticity and the way it affects how we think. Maybe authenticity isn't the right word, maybe honesty, transparency, self revelation, willingness to reveal , opportunity? , trust, courage, or energy could be inserted in the last sentence. This concept is not new or even original, it just keeps preventing me from feeling comfortable around people when it is lacking. Not only that, but when it is not present, this elusive authenticity, my ability to feel normal and whole falls by the wayside and inadequacy and weakness pops into it's place.

I can hear the retaliatory quips already being prepared, without thinking some are murmuring, " I simply do not choose to tell everyone my business, I prefer privacy" as if privacy is the antithesis of authenticity. It is not.

I think of myself as a private person, for instance. Not all of my acquaintances know how heavy my heart is throughout the different anniversary dates of my life experiences.

But my friends all know that when February 1st rolls by there is an aching that begins from within and slowly and gradually penetrates to my brain, until February 2 arrives. My baby son Daniel died on February 1 so many years ago, most of my recent friends are not even aware of his existence, and yet, to a mother who has lost a child to death , the length of 27 years is but a blink on that death anniversary. Danny was only 9 months old, I can not even imagine how  the others who loved longer are surviving so well. Do they hurt? Remember? Cringe while waiting for the day to pass by? I know the grace of God carries me through, so I try to share this as I am able. But guess who helps me the most on these days? The ones who have told me their dates, their agonies, their lousy experiences of pain and  heart aches.

I usually don't even know many in this category, because I have not been told. So then I feel weird, like what is wrong with ME? and should I be 'over it?' and on and on we go. That is what I mean by replacing my already pained heart with feelings of weakness and discouragement toward myself, rather than understanding that this is my annual exercise. My normal response and coping mechanism to death . I have the same feeling on May 3, by the way, the date my daddy died of a massive heart attack while golfing and while celebrating the birth of first grandson Eliot. I use these times in life to remind myself of God's faithfulness, His great love for me in giving me 3 more children, and His deep love for me in giving me 11 grandchildren thus far(I refuse to not want more!).

In church today I was struck especially by this feeling of frustration. Imagine that, me not feeling authenticity in church?  Surrounded by my Community of believers? Recipients of God's grace and children of God gathering to worship, in order and sincerity or as Scripture says , "in spirit and in truth".

So many hugs, and smiles, we all gathered to commemorate the Lord's Supper at the Communion Table, and remind ourselves of God's great and loving sacrifice for His children- Jesus Christ dying to take the wrath of God in my stead. The perfect Messiah dying so I, the imperfect daughter, a sinner, would not.  I am free. Amazing grace.

Why did I leave that gathering not knowing a single thing my dear friends are struggling with? This is not accusatory, though it might be interpreted as thus. It is reflective. It is agonizing and painful to think such things!

The sun is bright and shining, I am rejoicing that God gave us sunshine and health and to me personally a big, confusing, chaotic family. But that is the surface. Under the surface is a mother agonizing over decisions to be made regarding her future and the lives of her children. In the shadows waiting to pop out and scare me are the fears of inadequacy and wrong decisions and not being liked for who I am. Who I am is being brought back into question because that is what it does in the head of a single mother.

But alas, (isn't that the BEST word?!?) I remain silent. Scribbling on my blog, feeling better strangely, since I have authentically shared that this Daughter of the King still needs Him every minute of every day. He is sufficient, even when the church is not. He is graceful and authentic even when others are not. I love my Church, I love my friends, I love my family ...but most of all, I love my Jesus.

Geesh. In my authentic way , I didn't have time to blog about this woman who I thought was so weird and outspoken and blunt when I first met her and who now gives me many reasons to smile and feel blessed when I see her . Oh well, another day, I need some hot coffee.

My Perfect Mother

I love this picture of my mom. It embodies who I think about whenever I think about mom. She is always happy or smiling, always ready to have fun, always cheerful, always ready to encourage me when I am down. Don't get me wrong, she isn't perfect, but certainly she is in the top ten candidates. Besides, she is perfectly my perfect mother.

Mom was born on January 16, 1931 in the town of Ithaca, New York, living her childhood in Brooktondale, to Marjorie and Homer Miller. I know almost zero details regarding this and I must begin a quest to discover them !! How can I not know anything about mom's birth?? I know she had an older sister Mary who was a beloved aunt to me until her death. I know Grandpa and Grandma Miller were family favorites until their deaths in 1973 and 1989.

Facts of birth aside, however, I do know many important things about mom, who is today- January 16, 2011, celebrating 80 years of life.

On Beauty: First of all, Mom is beautiful. I think the picture I began with shows that really well, and maybe kids always think their mom is beautiful, but I believe mom is beautiful from the inside, from the inner depths of her being.

I woke up today, knowing it was her birthday , thanking God for her long life and great mental, physical and spiritual health. I pondered awhile trying to articulate what was so special about her.

When one has  mom as part of her existence for her entire life( now 60+ years) it is sometimes difficult to list the specifics of why she is important or why you are thankful for her-she just IS.

So for a birthday gift I am writing ,making my thoughts come to the forefront of my heart and mind, so that while mom is alive, she will know why I love her and what I think. What good will a beautiful eulogy do her after all?

On children: Mom loves her children well. We don't always act well, but that never seems to affect how she feels about us. I personally recall several times when I was rude, or abrupt or silent or ornery(love that word)
and the next time we spoke it was as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I am the oldest of 5 children and believe me when I say the younger siblings have given us a run for our money!(hahahahaha! I had to say that!) I have never heard mom ever say anything truly mean, and
it has been often warranted. :-)

On marriage: When dad was alive, and they were married for 50 years! mom was always tending to his needs, whether it be making him meals or cleaning the house or going on trips. Mom's expression of love for him was an example of selfless love that I was amazed to watch over the years. She set the standard for a good marriage and when mine fell apart after 30 years, I felt huge disappointment in not making it to the golden 50 like she and dad did..

On Moods: I love that I cannot recall mom ever yelling or losing her temper! How is this possible when I yell and lose my temper as a way of life?!?

Now I do have the excuse of having the Spaniard blood coursing through my veins and everyone knows they are hot blooded people, but really, never yelling? Mom is a peacemaker, not just a peace keeper. She does everything in her power to make our diversified family peaceful. I admire that in a mother.

 On People: Mom adores her grandchildren and now her great grandchildren! She proudly tells people she has 12 great-grandchildren and she remembers almost without exception, their birthdays! She tries to work on relationships with them all individually and they all have a special connection to her, even the ones who married into the family.

 That brings me to another attribute about my mother.

On Food: She can cook. When I say this, it is not a side comment , like an appetizer of cheese and crackers thrown on a plate before a meal. No, it is the full 7 course meal kind of comment! Mom can make anything taste good, she will spend hours cooking just so her family can devour it in a few minutes, and usually she has several options of foods to be eaten in her freezer or refrigerator on any given moment in time.Last summer I called one day and she was freezing and canning , putting up for the winter. Who does this?  The woman is wild! I think she and food have had a secret love affair for the past 80 years, shhhh! don't tell.

On Animals: Over the years pets have come and pets have gone, but mom tolerates, if not loves most of the family creatures. Some she adores more than others, but she sets the fine example of putting up with whomever is currently part of any of our families. I think she currently has a favorite though......you decide:

On Hospitality: I learned hospitality and generosity from watching my mother. Whenever someone is sick, to this day, she will make a big bowl of rice pudding(and hers is the best on the planet) or a meal of some gigantic proportion. She is more than generous, always adding the touch of kindness and love.

On Tributes: I know that the chances of anyone besides a very few people will ever read this blog. But that is not what I wrote it for. Actually, writing a blog for me is never about who will read it. I write in order to sort the thoughts , emotions and feelings inside my head and heart. Today , of course, I want Mom to read this and see how inadequately I am able to portray my deep love for her through words.

On Honesty: People tell me I am honest. I always wonder what that means, because what else is there besides honesty? If you say the truth then who you are is real inside and out. I think I learned that from my mom. Mom is honest, good, kind, honorable, loving, gentle, generous, faithful to family and friends,

and very dear to my heart. She is also clearly dear to many other people.
In closing this birthday blog, I must say something here. It is a question, really.

On Death: How does one ever live without a mother?
I suppose that when that time comes, God will give me the grace I need, or perhaps in His timing I will enter eternity first, but either way...how does one live without their mother?
I am going to ask her today, while I am blessed with the opportunity, because I believe mom will know the answer.

I love you Mom.